A lesson learnt.

Hi folks,
I have been away for a week. Was in Lonavala for a residential retreat with all new teachers and ed leaders from Akanksha. It was a long week with interesting information assimilated, some stereotypes broken and a very difficult lesson learnt. I will not share the entire week with you because it would be impossible to recreate the context. However I do want to share ONE particular activity that was, by far, the most powerful one for me.

The context: We were in our training room and each person had one little slip of paper in front of him/her. On it was one of the following letters: E, S or H. I had E. This meant that from that moment onwards for the next one hour, I had to blindfold myself. Seems simple right? But that was also our breakfast hour and the requirement was that we HAD to eat breakfast. For those who had an H, they had to do it without using their hands and for those with an S they had to do it in silence. The breakfast room was not next door. We had to walk down a winding flight of steps and get through at least a couple of doors to get there.

What ended up happening immediately was that everyone found someone in the room to help out. I was led to the breakfast room by my pal Anindita who could see and use her hands but not speak. How we communicated is absolutely miraculous! She led me to the room, sat me down, got me breakfast, took me back. Twenty minutes into the exercise I started crying and could not stop.

Why? At first I didn't know why I was crying. I had to really think about it and this is what I wrote down in my journal. I am going to copy it verbatim here so you can get some idea of the thoughts going through my head at that time. Forgive me if they sound scatty but I wasn't thinking while I wrote them.
_________
" I've always wondered what it feels like to be blind and I've always believed that of all the senses to not have, not seeing was the worst and but today is the first time that I've actually experienced it.
I didn't speak a lot. I didn't reach out. I helped no one.
How do I feel?
Ashamed that I didn't help anyone even though a lot of blind people were. I cried because I became this person that have I never want to be or thought I'll be. I have always had the greatest confidence in myself and I drive comfort from my belief that nothing could ever affect me to such a level that I would become a different kind of person i.e., I am a very resilient person. So today when it did, I feel ashamed of my arrogance and selfishness.
I let my disability completely overtake, overwhelm and control me. So many ppl were helping others but I just sat, not said a word in spite of one side of my brain quietly telling me, "what the hell is wrong with you?" I did not move or speak. That's why I cried. I did nothing.
The thing is that I've never really faced any hardship in my life. I mean physical hardship. This was the first time so to speak. So I was a bit arrogant and perhaps even romantic in how I felt in my beliefs. Well I can't say now I know better because I don't but I'll definitely think twice before ever believing again for myself that I have reached close to the epitome of being an empathetic , reflective or reselient person."

-----------